I was married by a judge. Although we were a Reform congregation, our rabbi wouldn't perform interfaith marriages. There were a few mercenary rabbis who would but my mother, in her wise ways said, "At this point, you're going to be married by a stranger, why do you care whether that stranger is a rabbi?" Here comes the judge!
It never sat well with me though. How could the rabbi say he welcomed us to the congregation yet he wouldn't marry us? Was it really just our dues money that he welcomed? (I really thought that!)
I don't think that anymore. I don't think that rabbis should perform interfaith marriages if they don't want to. If the two people haven't fully committed to being Jewish what's the point of having a rabbi? What is it symbolizing? What does it mean? Doesn't the rabbi just become a prop like flowers?
I'm all for interfaith marriage. Frankly, with all of the problems that people have with marriages, we should embrace any two people who love each other and want to make a commitment. But, I don't think that it is reasonable to expect to have a symbol of "Judaism" when you haven't made the commitment.
So, I think my rabbi did the right thing. He didn't want to be a prop, but he accepted us and our choices and welcomed us to the community. I don't think that I could really have asked for more.
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Oh my. We went through a similar thing in my family. My brother fell in love with a Catholic girl and they decided to get married. Despite being a small town in central Pennsylvania, we had both a conservative synagogue and a reform temple. Neither Rabbi would perform the ceremony. There was great unhappiness because my brother and sister-in-law wanted a CO-OFFICIATED ceremony. Leave it to the little sister (moi). I found a Rabbi from out of town- I don't recall now from where- who was willing to perform the ceremony but not co-officiate. So what ended up happening is that the ceremony was conducted by him with my sister-in-law's priest standing off to the side. The whole time I could see the priest saying some words quietly under his breath. I think he was privately conducting the Catholic wedding ceremony or blessings. The ceremony took place in the chapel of our local campus of a major state university and not in the synagogue where we were 3rd generation members.
So anyway, I arranged this but it was not easy. I wanted my brother and future sister-in-law to be happy. It took alot to research to find someone to come to a very small town to do it.
Now with the perspective of time, I find myself agreeing with you. I don't think Rabbis should do it if they don't want to nor priests for that matter either.
HOwever, I do wonder about all if this. What I have observed over time is a weakening relationship that both of them have with their respective faiths. They go through the motions- for example, a "special dinner" at Passover but nothing more. It's not like there is a Seder. Now part of that may be their feeling overwhelmed with the circumstances that have befallen our family over these past years or it might just be that their bonds to their faiths were based more on a cultural history than on deep affinities to certain values and beliefs. I don't know and it hasn't been possible to discuss. It's the conversation that never can be engaged in, like so many others in my family. I remember one time- while they were dating- my sister-in-law yelling at my mother, "I'll never convert" even though my mom had no expectation that she would.
I've always felt how much richer things would have been had there been the possibility of discussing these differences.
For years in their marriage neither would attend the other's house of worship. I'm quite sure that my sister-in-law would not have been made to feel comfortable in our synagogue although that's loosened up a bit in the past 10 years. But I know it is still awkward.
For me a big question is how do we provide something that makes people want to sustain an attachment to Judaism whether they are in an interfaith marriage or not.
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